Over the past few months, we’ve been digging into the sex needs of husbands and wives – and how you can meet the needs of your spouse. We’ve covered the top needs of both men and women, and how a husband can meet his wife’s sex needs. This month, we focus on how a wife can meet her husband’s needs.
Wives: We encourage you to invest in your husband. Love him. Meet his needs—for his sake and for the sake of your marriage. How can you do that? Pick a few of the following suggestions, and begin the process of meeting your husband’s sex needs.
1. Realize sex plays a major role in helping men process life. Sex has the miraculous ability to clear a man’s mind, helping him solve problems. Women often resolve problems by talking things out; men often solve problems when they have sex with their wives.
2. Say yes as often as possible. The fastest connection charger is to say yes to sex. Basically, if a wife gets only one thing from this particular blog, it needs to be the importance of saying yes. If she wants to connect with her husband, the best way to do that is through sex.
3. If you must say no, don’t say it right away. When your husband wants to be involved sexually with you, don’t immediately close the door. Recognize it as a real need and consider that your positive response is one way you can love and serve your husband. Again, remember the apostle Paul’s words: “Love is patient and kind. . . . It does not demand its own way.” Then, if you must say no, be prepared to do two things: Give an honest reason for the delay, and then suggest a time when you might be more ready to respond to his needs.
4. Decide to enjoy sex. Sex actually starts in the mind. You can choose to enjoy sex, or you can choose not to enjoy sex. Your decision becomes a trajectory for your relationship—inside and outside the bedroom. In a majority of couples we talk to, we find that women really do enjoy sex when they start out by choosing to enjoy it.
5. Help your spouse know how to please you. If your husband does not know how to please you, teach him. Men are not mind readers—especially in bed. Your husband needs to know what gives you pleasure. When you are making love, place your hand over his and lead him. Whisper in his ear what you would really like him to do. There is nothing embarrassing or shameful about that kind of communication.
6. Get over shyness. God designed us to be sexual, to be vulnerable. Wives, start to voice your needs. When you become more specific about what you desire in the bedroom, both of you will benefit. Trust us, a husband will not respond in disgust or outrage. Husbands, make sure that you do not misuse that trust. What you and your wife do is not something to share with your buddies. What happens in the bedroom is private.
7. Realize your husband’s emotions may not work like yours. A woman easily shifts from one emotion to another. For instance, if her husband doesn’t talk to her much, she may think, Is he sick of me? Does he think I’m fat and old? Maybe there’s someone at the office he finds more interesting and attractive. Women can go from point A to point Z in a matter of sixty seconds. Meanwhile, he’s thinking, I’m really tired. I can’t wait to watch that action movie tonight. Many men don’t think beyond the first emotion unless there’s a problem to be solved. They don’t usually over-analyze or go down the list of cause-and-effect. Wives will make progress in their marriages when they realize this truth.
8. Take the 10 percent challenge. Wives, what would happen if you responded sexually to your husband 10 percent more than you do now? Many women ask us, “Am I meeting his need if I respond a lot but not every time?” Yes, but really, that’s the wrong question. The number is not important. What matters is the nature of the response and the connection that happens when you and your husband work toward anticipation and sexual satisfaction. Even a small shift in your responsiveness can bring your husband much joy and improve your marriage.
9. Create a game plan. It may help to set up a game plan so that your husband will not take your hesitancy personally. The game plan can include the following aspects:
If you must say no, be clear about the reason. It may be fatigue, fear the kids will overhear, or unresolved conflict. Instead of withdrawing, communicate and graciously tell your husband what you’re feeling. When he understands what you see as obstacles, he will be better able to work toward resolving the issue.
Know what to expect. When a wife is not able to respond, one of the best things she can do is to let her husband know when he can expect to have sex, whether it is later that night or the next day. That usually resolves the situation much better than saying, “I don’t feel like it” and going to sleep. Talk together about how many times a week you would like to have sex so that both of you know what the expectations are. Some of you may feel awkward about planning ahead for sex, as if putting it on the calendar makes it feel forced. Yet planning ahead works for many couples, taking the guesswork and conflict out of the situation and giving the couple rhythm and anticipation.
Follow up on a promise for sex. If you must say no, make sure that your no is “not right now, but soon.” We know that sometimes “later” has to be changed too. But a healthy marriage is based on trust; your spouse should be able to trust that you will follow through on what you say. When “later” never comes, pretty soon your spouse will doubt your word—not only in the area of sex but in other areas as well.
Know each other’s needs and sexual rhythms, and show empathy. If you need to say no, don’t leave it up to your husband’s imagination to guess why. You don’t want him to think the worst! Be honest with him and talk with him about his needs and your own.
*For more revealing insights about what your spouse’s most intimate sex needs are - and how to meet them - check out The 5 Sex Needs of Men and Women in our online bookstore!