Spiritual Intimacy: A Top Sex Need

In the last several months, we’ve discussed the top three sex needs for both men and women. For all the differences men and women have, our survey suggests that husbands and wives essentially want the same things in their sex lives: relationship, intimacy, and fulfillment. The differences arise from the ways we pursue those needs: men through the physical act, women through emotional connection.

Photo by congerdesign

Photo by congerdesign

In the next few months, we’re going to take a look at the final top sex needs of men and women.  This month, we’ll cover a woman’s #4 sex need: Spiritual intimacy. What does spiritual intimacy have to do with your sex life? Well, it’s something you do outside the bedroom and something you do for and with your spouse. The result when it’s fulfilled? An enhanced sex life.

A husband often does all he can to take care of his wife by providing for her, but sometimes he doesn’t tend her soul, her spirit, her innermost beliefs and passions. His spiritually starved wife would often trade all the vacations in the world for a little spiritual intimacy from her husband.

How is tending to your wife’s spiritual side a sexual need? Women all over the country tell us the same thing: “When my husband takes the lead spiritually, by praying, reading his Bible, or going to church, I am drawn to him on a deep level. It makes me feel so secure that I am eager to give myself fully to him.”

Women are so serious about spiritual intimacy with their husbands that 58% ranked it as a top sex need. If you want to release deep passion in your wife, then get serious about connecting with her spiritually.

What Is Spiritual Intimacy?

You will experience deep spiritual intimacy when you have a mutual, heartfelt desire to be close to God, when you seek God’s direction for your marriage—even for your sex life. Spiritual intimacy means that in the midst of conflict, you honor and ­respect each other. You don’t put each other down in an attempt to win; you think about how God would want you to act in the situation. You become united together through prayer. You unite under biblical principles for your lives and marriage. You actively invite God into every aspect of your marriage, including sex.

A wife deeply desires to pursue God with her husband. She wants to have spiritual conversations, to read the Bible together, and to pray together. A wife is attracted to a husband when he provides spiritual leadership.

God designed the husband to be the spiritual leader in the marriage. And your wife really wants to see you succeed in that. When you spiritually lead your wife, she feels encouraged to trust you more. When a husband and wife build their marriage on the foundational commitment to pursue God above all, they are able to share fears, anxieties, joys, and dreams. They are free to experience transparent honesty, knowing that they love each other unconditionally and that neither will ever walk away.

How to Meet Your Wife’s Need for Spiritual Intimacy

Pick a few of the following suggestions and begin the process of meeting your wife’s need for spiritual intimacy.

1.  Ask your wife what she needs. The best way to start meeting your wife’s need is to ask her how she would like you to build spiritual intimacy with her. Don’t let her give general ­answers. Probe exactly what she means. If she says, “I want you to be the spiritual leader in our marriage,” ask her what that looks like to her on a daily, practical level.

2.  Be honest about your awkward feelings. If you are uncomfortable talking about spiritual things, start slowly. One great way to start is for each of you to share the history of your spiritual life. Use the following questions to discover more about your partner’s faith:

  • What did your parents believe about God, Jesus, church, prayer, and the Bible?

  • How and where did you first learn about God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit? At what age?

  • What has been the greatest spiritual experience of your life?

3.  Pray for your wife. More than anything else—more than flowers, candy, candlelit dinners, or gifts—your wife needs you to be her “soul protector.” Pray for her throughout the day. Pray for her struggles and her dreams. Ask God to show you ways to meet her needs.

4.  Pray with your wife. Praying together is probably the strongest knot that binds a couple. Praying together may feel uncomfortable in the beginning, so use these tips to minimize self-consciousness and make you aware of God’s presence in your life.

  • Set aside time to pray together. It could be any time of the day that works for you. If doing it daily seems like a stretch, pray together once a week, maybe on Sunday evening.

  • Share prayer requests regularly. Informing each other of your needs is an important way to open your hearts to each other and to know where to start in meeting each other’s needs.

  • Talk about how God has answered your prayers in the past.

  • Pray out loud together for each other, for your marriage, and for your family.

6. Encourage your wife spiritually. To get started, complete these four statements together:

  • You could help me grow in my faith by . . .

  • I feel most comfortable praying with you when we . . .

  • We could grow together in our faith if we . . .

  • We could serve God together by . . .

7. Become a spiritual sounding board. Tune in and listen to your wife. If she has a greater need to talk about spiritual things than you do, don’t be put off. Listen. Ask questions. Share your insights with her.

8. Focus on your wife’s spiritual strengths. When you see her make a difficult decision based on her convictions, affirm and encourage her. When you are drawn to God because of her, let her know.

9. Practice forgiveness. When you and your wife have an ­argument or when she has hurt or frustrated you in some way, know that any unresolved offense can block all kinds of intimacy—emotional, physical, and spiritual. When you sense a wall between you and your spouse, something is wrong. Take responsibility for your wrongs. Ask for forgiveness. And when your wife does the same, choose to forgive her.

*For more revealing insights about what your spouse’s most intimate sex needs are - and how to meet them - check out The 5 Sex Needs of Men and Women in our online bookstore!