In the last few months, we have featured blogs on The 5 Sex Needs of Men and Women. This month, we want to look at what happens if a husband does not seek to meet his wife’s top sex needs of affirmation, connection and nonsexual touch.
It sometimes takes work to give your wife the connection and affirmation she needs. It takes thought to give her the kind of touch that is meaningful to her. It takes courage to speak words of love for your wife—especially if she disappoints you. It takes sacrifice and wisdom to put her value above your own. It takes creativity to show your appreciation for her. In the busyness of life and the stress of keeping the family rolling along, it may be difficult, but it’s well worth it. Love your wife with all of your heart.
What are the consequences if you do not meet your wife’s sex needs? When you do not make an effort to meet her needs, the price is more than just “no sex.” When a woman feels disconnected from her husband, she feels threatened and may react in a number of ways.
1. She may feel disappointed. When a woman feels disconnected from her husband, she doesn’t feel cared for, appreciated, or valued. She may go through the motions, but she feels empty. She certainly won’t initiate sex.
2. She may feel rejected. A wife needs togetherness, romance, and companionship, but if her husband is consumed by his job, or hobby, he may spend all his energy there and not on his wife. His wife may then feel lonely and excluded from his life. That will, of course, cause their marriage to suffer.
3. She may begin to doubt and mistrust. When a wife’s needs are not met, her imagination can run away with her. She may begin to doubt that her husband loves, desires, and appreciates her. When she doubts his feelings, she may then start to doubt his intentions. Once that happens, trust can erode.
4. She may see her husband as selfish. To protect herself, a wife may begin to justify her own selfishness. She may stop trying hard to be a good wife, concentrating more on being a good mother, daughter, employee, or friend. She may not care if meals are prepared every night, if the bathroom is cleaned, or if the laundry is done. She may not be as patient with her husband’s shortcomings. She may not dress up for him or initiate sex or respond to his advances.
5. She may become irritable and resentful. A wife whose needs are not met may be more defensive with her husband and blame him for problems.
6. She may pull away sexually. A disappointed wife may distance herself from her husband, trying to protect herself, her emotions and sensitive spirit. She may rebuff his advances, offering excuses. Her resistance may escalate to saying no on a regular basis. If she does have sex, it may feel empty for her.
7. She may pull away emotionally. A wife whose needs are not met may disconnect or shut down emotionally. A the root of everything is a simple solution: Her husband needs to affirm, touch, and connect with her.
8. She may try to punish her husband. It’s a sad reality, but when a wife becomes frustrated and upset enough, she may resort to punishment. Punishment will often come in the form of ignoring him or withdrawing emotionally, relationally, and physically. Or she may attempt to control and manipulate her husband through sex. When a wife has been hurt or rejected by her husband, when he does not affirm or connect with her, she may become desperate enough to try to hurt him by withholding sex.
9. She may look elsewhere to have her needs met. We’ve counseled hundreds of women who have strayed from their marriages. And almost every time, the reason was because their husbands stopped connecting with them—talking, touching, complimenting. So they reached outside the marriage and found men who did.
We once heard someone say, “The grass isn’t greener on the other side; it’s greener where it’s watered.” If you are not affirming and befriending your wife, who is? The reality is that a woman responds to the man who takes care of her heart. When a husband doesn’t give his wife the affirmation she needs, he leaves her heart wide open for another man to connect with her.
*For more revealing insights about what your spouse’s most intimate sex needs are - and how to meet them - check out The 5 Sex Needs of Men and Women in our online bookstore!