It’s no secret that sexual intimacy can sometimes take a backseat once you and your mate become parents. Let’s face it: You usually have less time to yourself, less time alone, and if you’re both working you may have even less time together. But it’s so important to make room for sex in your relationship! So today, we want to share with you some ways to begin making changes in order to make sexual intimacy a higher priority in your marriage.
Here are some suggestions to get you started:
- Evaluate yourself. Some people hide behind activities. Marriage calls us to give everything—to commit completely. It isn’t about the payoff. It isn’t about what we get out of the marriage or what our spouses can do for us. Marriage is a choice to live a God-honoring life. It’s about growing and maturing spiritually. The only way that can happen is when we understand the sacrifice involved in our marriage commitments. If you discover that you are using busyness to avoid intimacy or to hide unresolved conflict, you may need to dig deeper. Don’t be hesitant to get professional help to move back to a place of wholeness in your marriage.
- Replenish yourself. What activities replenish you? Is it a bubble bath alone at the end of the day? Is it watching a baseball game uninterrupted? Replenishing needs to be a daily routine. We know a woman who uses her commute time to listen to her favorite audiobooks. “I can’t explain it,” she told us, “but losing myself in a good audiobook makes the commute go faster, makes me a nicer person, both on the road and to my family. It helps me unwind so that when I arrive home, I’m ready to focus on my family.”
- Reprioritize. A couple needs to recognize that they have a mutual problem that requires a mutual solution, and that solution may require mutual sacrifice for mutual benefit. Sit down and tackle the problem together. We hear this statement often: “Sex isn’t high on my priority list.” If you don’t nurture your sex life now, later may be too late. The further apart a couple grows, the longer and more difficult the path back to intimacy becomes. But it isn’t just about sex; it’s about creating the environment of sex and sexual intimacy in marriage. If you want your marriage to be God-honoring, if you want a solid and trustworthy marriage, you need to agree that no matter what, you will carve out time each week just to relax and have fun with each other.
- Schedule regular times for sex. Scheduling sex is particularly important if you feel overextended. Realize that sex is not going to be as spontaneous as it may have been in your honeymoon years. But your busy schedules mean you need to be intentional and proactive. Put it on your calendars. Get into a pattern; otherwise you aren’t going to do it.
- Put Sabbath back into your week. God built into His schedule—and ours—a time to rejuvenate. He knew that we would become so caught up with our “important” stuff that we would neglect times of refreshment and joy. We all need to understand that God has provided rest, refreshment, and fun when spouses nurture their sex lives.
- Plan a getaway. Don’t use a financial crunch as an excuse. Save up for a getaway! Once every month or so, go somewhere. Go to the motel down the street. Go to a campground and rent a cabin. Getting away takes creativity and intentionality.
So, start carving out time for intimacy in your marriage today. In fact, start scheduling regular times for sex tonight! Put it on your both of your calendars. Mark off every Thursday night or Saturday morning—whatever works for you—for a month. The point is to get into a pattern; otherwise you aren’t going to do it. Think of it as a date night. You need to get yourselves back to remembering, “Oh yeah! This is really fun!”
Portions of this post were adapted from The 5 Sex Needs of Men and Women, by Gary and Barb Rosberg.